Being incorrect :
psychologically & grammatically
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Ignore me. Do I deserve that much attention u pay? I love to be left out, I liked to be hated, I preferred to stay far from the daily celebration party of life. I had no grievance. Watching everything from a distance is bliss, a few can afford. A very few can tolerate to be ignored or to be dominated by all. It requires a healthily strong mind. One in a million possesses that extra natural or super normal psyche. A dark horse or an under dog is an 'animal' I always loved. I could have waited for the flower which bloomed lately as if I was its sole buttler. As if I was its honey bee and ambitious auctioneer. I dreamt of being a chosen one. There must be some one or some agencies that will choose me out of this massive mass. It is a vivid waiting like the boy in the short story 'araby' written by James Joyce. That waiting made his life worth living. It should not have been ended ever. Oh, poor chap! He tried to go through the final page of the notebook. Life is like an onion, if too close you lean on it, what you only have is tears. Keeping distance is being safe.
I bought two gold fish. It taught me a lesson before dying. What was it? I pined for beauty, I longed for beauty, I craved for beauty but all I did was pining, longing and craving. I never thought if I deserved beauty at all or the beauty deserved me at all. I did not thrash the aquarium as it was a cemetery for two poor souls. Two gold fish were buried in oblivion. I did not want them to be Phenix for deconstructing the experience is painful. It rested in peace and my peace of mind rested in them. They were not poor souls but my idea was. The idea of beautifying my cage. A cage with luxury. It is like being on the top. It is like being loved and surrounded by strangers in a holy place where you cannot utter any cussing word. There always is a close circuit god like cctv or iblish watching which spot you are itching in. I was fed up with iblish. I never saw him but could sense its presence near me. It was a battle of sahi-path. I wanted him to be visible, to come for a fist but he opted the guerrilla way.
I still lurk amidst the debris. I want to be my own rescuer, with His blessings. A road ends only when you lose the wish to walk. You lose the desire to walk only when you start thinking that it is your legs that make you walk.
With love
Zia Haque
